'Tis the season...

...to whine about hearing Christmas carols everywhere. I hate them...hate them, hate them, hate them...but like them too. It's really weird. And it's also the season for me to spend all my money then have my parents wonder why I have no money at the beginning of next year.

So, It finally sent me It's holiday gift. And for those that don't know (all of you, really), It refers to the person that gave birth to my mother. We all refer to It as It in my house. It disowned my mother when I was five, but then decided far too late to try to suck up to me by giving me really horrendous gifts every year. Then I send a cordial "thank you" card...after being tempted to just "Return to Sender...Bitch". This year I might actually call her Ms. (Last Name) in the letter. I really just can't stand what she did to my mother. And you know what, I miss having a grandmother sometimes, but it's her loss she doesn't know me. I mean what mother disowns her child because the child asked her to apologize for being a bad mother (which she was, let me tell you). It's just so ridiculous. And yes, it sounds conceited that I said "her loss that she doesn't know me", but you know what, if she really wants to know me, tough. I really have nothing to say to her. She robbed my mother of a mother of her own and me of a grandmother, and she expects us to just forget? Hell, no. I joke about it with my parents, because my mom gets a headache if we talk about her any other way, but she really upsets me. I just want to send her a letter saying, "Get the hell out of my life. You missed your shot ten years ago: where were you then?" Then add in another "bitch" just for good measure.

Nothing against my mother's other relatives, even though all of them except for my uncle and his kids refuse to speak to my family. It's because my mom and dad didn't go to one wedding because I wasn't invited when I was like four. It's so fucking ridiculous. As I'm getting older, I realize just how messed up my extended family - especially on her side - is. I want to see my cousins and second cousins and great uncles and I want to have a real family, but not that family. They all hate each other so much it's just wrong.

My dad's side doesn't hate each other, but we never see them. Okay, no, I see my uncle and aunt on his side, and I love them - far more than any of the other relatives - but that's because I actually know them. I see them every year, which is more than I can say for any other family member.

All my friends talk about going to the houses of their uncles and grandparents and stuff, and wonder why I just stay at home with my parents. Well, where do we have to go really? There isn't any family we like except for my uncle, and they usually do their own thing with their kids that day. I really want to have Christmas with family or New Years or something. I don't want to just stay home and do nothing. Especially this New Year: I really want to do something - anything - other than sitting on my ass at home and watching crappy New Years' shows. I'd even settle for going to a friend's house and doing that.

Sorry, I'm in a really weird mood. I went over to Moira's yesterday and watched all three extended editions of LotR. It was a lot of fun, but part of me is kind of pissed that a whole day of my life is gone. It's never coming back, no matter what I do. And I felt like complete crap this morning, which is my fault really. I had way too much caffeine yesterday and I just hit a low this morning. Which means that I say and do really stupid things and just don't give a rat's ass about anything at all. And then I come home and have to deal with Its card about how It cares...bullshit. It was such a lame attempt at being friendly. And then I got kind of lonely, wishing that I did have a closer relationship with my family. Which brings me to where I am now.

Shit, and then I start crying again. This really has to stop. I'm crying all the time now, and I have no clue why. I'm happy, but no one believes me. Okay, no, happy's a little strong - I'm content. I'm okay with my life now, but I just feel like there's something missing, and it's driving me crazy that I don't know what. And I feel guilty for feeling this way, because there are people dealing with far worse things in their life and are handling it so much better than I'm handling this stupid shit. And you know, I don't swear a lot, I really don't. I'm just feeling so horrible at the moment. And I realized I have so much fucking work to do over break and I haven't started any of it.

Okay, me bitching isn't helping any of you. I'll just stop now. Namaste.