"How did we get here...

...how the hell? Pan left. Close on the steeple of the church."

Sorry, quoting Rent is kind of like quoting Igby Goes Down. It just has to be done every now and again. Now, to quote my Igby, "Good things come to obsessive-compulsives who fixate." Awesome movie, but I really have to stop watching it every time I'm home and it's on.

Anyway, there was a point to that quote. And now I've forgotten it. No, no I haven't. I think I was more referring to the fact that I originally created this blog to be something to check on every time I wanted to feel happy - not every time I wanted to bitch to the world. Heaven knows I bitch enough to last a lifetime. I really try not to whine, but sometimes it just comes out.

So, last night was difficult for me, as you saw in my entry. It just got worse and worse, to be honest. I hate crying in front of people, especially my parents, and luckily I didn't do that. I waited until I went to bed. But then I had a headache and couldn't fall asleep. And then here I am whining again. I'll stop, I promise.

Today, well, today was interesting. I walked out of my math test thinking that I did okay, but then I almost started crying, and I have no clue why. Maybe because I totally bombed the last test I thought I did well on. Then I had my Spanish test, which was awesome...in a not really fun, time-draining way, but awesome nonetheless.

Okay, you know what it is, I've decided? I'm lonely. And I have no clue why. I just feel like I need someone, anyone. Not even like a boyfriend or a girlfriend or something, but I feel like I'm not close to anyone. And what's even weirder is that I typically hate getting close to people, but I just feel like I have to now. I mean even my friends that have known me since I was seven don't really know what's going on in my head. I just want a friend.

I was thinking about it last night, and you know the voices in your head? I don't mean the ones that come from the neighbor's dog telling you to kill your friends, but I mean the "voices" that really seem to be extraneous thoughts floating around that happen to give good or bad advice. Well, a bunch of them always come when I'm crying and some are complete jackasses, but there's one that always comes when I'm upset or angry or stressed that I really love. All it says is "I'm here." And you know, that's all I really want. I don't care about all of the sympathetic "Poor Rachel"'s in the world. They don't mean anything to me. All I really need, as I said, is someone. If someone were just there to say "I'm here" then things would be so much better. I hate when people pity me...and when they try to give me advice. That's almost worse. I just want to be when I'm feeling depressed. That's why I usually just stay with my friends when they cry and don't try to be Miss Psychiatrist: because I know that's what I would want if I were crying.

I only actually broke down in school once this year, though. It was one of the weeks where my parents were yelling at each other a lot, and it showed that I wasn't into the piece I was doing for art, so obviously it got panned. I just couldn't take it anymore and I completely broke down. I hated doing it so much. When I was in seventh grade, I swore I'd never let people in school see me cry (they were really mean to me back then). This is actually the first time I can remember breaking that vow. Which really bites in a sense.

It's interesting how it's always easier to tell people the truth when you don't know them. I mean I have no clue who reads this, and I don't really care. However, I do know that they'll probably know what I mean, and since they don't know me, they won't judge me based on it. They'll probably say I should get help, and then I'll tell them to go fuck themself, since I'm fine, but...yeah. I've been thinking that about a lot of people recently.

Well, I might post again later tonight, but I should try to get some work done. Namaste.