Only a week...

...and a day until I know whether I'm in college or not! And, now that Carley will hopefully be keeping tabs on my life (welcome to my head), I hope she'll have last period free next Thursday. I already have Jake joining me for moral support, since he probably won't have anything then, but I can always use another person there. Any way it happens - whether I get in, get rejected, or get deferred - I'm probably going to be a wreck.

Oh, so it's been a while since I got depressed. Well, it hasn't been that long, but it's been long enough for me to get optimistic. I'm probably way too busy to sit around on my own and think about depressing shit. But, sadly, when I'm not bummed out about one thing or another, then I can't write at all. I hate how you have to be miserable to write anything that's halfway decent. I mean obviously no one wants to hear a happy story about some kid that has a perfect life, but I wish that I could write a story without having to hate everything.

And I've been thinking about giving all my friends the URL to this blog. I'd have to go back and filter it, probably, but maybe when I have free time. That will probably amount to being over break, in other words.

There's this odd story that keeps running through my head and I don't know where it came from...and I really don't know where it's going. I guess I just have to kind of let it play out on its own. Does that ever happen to you? It's weird when it happens. I think I'll start writing them down. It's kind of like my mind gives me a metaphor for my life in short story form. And it always cuts off at a certain point. Eventually it finishes, and the ending is kind of anticlimactic sometimes, but...it's really interesting.

You know, I was thinking about religion the other day. Yes, it's still me, Rachel. You may not believe this, but I'm actually a very religious person. I may not really be part of an established religion, but my faith in what I do believe is really strong. Anyway, I've always tried to figure out whether I believe that there is a God and was a Jesus or not. Ultimately, I've never really believed in God as a...God...but more as an unnamed, shapeless entity or something. But then when I got to Jesus, I couldn't make up my mind. I obviously don't buy the "he was the direct son of God" thing, but recently my impression of him has become much more defined. I've always been mostly a spiritist...or spiritualist if you prefer. I believe in otherworldly powers and the like, because how else can I explain a lot of what I've seen in my life? Some people are special too - I mean that much is obvious. I think that Jesus was just "special" in the way that I mean...and no, not in the "my mommy says I'm special" way...although that works too, maybe. He was talented and he had a gift of sorts, as others do, and maybe his talent was a little more obvious than in most other people, but he was not the son of God. That is unless you pull the whole "We're all children of God" thing...I hate that phrase.

Well, the bell rang. I have to get to class. Namaste.