I'm back...

You know, when I was about eight, my mom read me The Lord of the Rings. I spent a good two or so years praying to I didn't know who just to take me to Middle Earth. There's really no attachment to the world I live in. People are just so self-involved and ignorant. I suppose I can be very self-involved too, but...I don't know.

Sorry, I just turned on The Return of the King and I suddenly remembered that strong feeling I have. I tried it again just two years ago really, when I read The Silmarillion. However, that time I was asking for Manwë to come. I guess I never really grew out of playing pretend. I never was told I had to. Anyway, even when life is sheltered, it's never completely free from...I don't know what.

I was remembering this kid that I met over the summer. He kind of tried to attack me, but another friend of mine was there, so nothing awful happened. You know, this is the first place I've ever really written about it. This friend, actually, was a girl he knew from back home. She apparently had some sort of crush on me, and I all I could think of was that I should have gone with her instead of him. He was cute, but a real dickhead. And you know, I'm so stupid: I know better than to get involved with athletes. He was the soccer/wrestling type. Nothing personal against athletes, but I never get along well with them. Give a guy a guitar, a piano, a singing voice, artistic talent, or acting skills and have him ask me out, and I'm all his. The only guys I've ever dated have been in bands or played instruments or something. I mean, yeah, look at how dysfunctional it's been, but at least we were always happy. With athletes it's just so difficult, because we have nothing in common.

No, that's not true. I once was with an athlete. He had like an eight-pack. It was weird but really attractive at the same time. But he was also a guitarist and piano player. Then...yes, then there was the kid I've mentioned before: my friend that I haven't really heard from since he got out of rehab. It was summer before last that I knew him, but I don't think I ever got over him, which is completely stupid, because I shouldn't care. He wasn't an athlete, but he was just so...: well, look at it this way. The first time we hung out together, we went to my friend's house and he played improvisational jazz on the piano for a good hour while we just talked.

He's another one that I never told anyone about. I guess I kind of want to keep him to myself, hence why I'm not even telling his first name. I mean, I'm sure he's moved on, gone to college (oh, please, if there is a God or something, let him have gone to college), and gotten another girlfriend. However, when he's in a famous rock band, I can say I was with him.

Wow, I'm suddenly going through all the rock musicians I've been involved with. I need to stop doing that. And I seem to have a talent for picking bisexuals to go out with. I guess I just feel safe with them for some reason.

Yeah, so you're probably all saying, "Gee...thanks for the meaningless information, Rach. What do we do with that?"

I don't know. I'm kind of determined to have a boyfriend that might last for some period of time by the end of the year. However, in this school, no chance in hell of it happening. And I'm going to be going off to college (watch me wince as I say that) at the end of the year.

I was thinking about it the other day. I always talk about how I'm going to major in International Relations or International Studies or something and be a diplomat or ambassador or something, since our current ones seem to be fucking everything up. But I really can't see myself not acting. I know I only do school productions now, but I fall apart when I'm not doing one. The only time I'm really happy is when I'm up on stage.

Which just made me start to cry. How do I always do that to myself? I really need - you know, I don't even know what I need anymore. I think I just need winter break to be here. Then I'll relax and everything will be nice...at least until midterms. I can't even think about that now, though.

Okay, now that I've pulled myself back together...happy thoughts. Isn't the scene where the beacons are lit in Return of the King just awesome? I love Merry...and Dominic Monaghan. There's this feature on the DVD apparently that just sounds great where he tricks Elijah into thinking he's a German reporter (it's a satellite interview) and asks him all these embarrassing questions and Elijah struggles to answer them.

Umm...well, I suppose I'll end on a cheery note of sorts. Namaste.