Ahh, the newbies...

I don't think I've seen BreannaBelle on. No, wait, I may have come in when she was leaving at one point. I'll keep an eye out, though, Isabel.

Okay, everyone, even if you read nothing of Something Positive, just go to this link: http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp07212002.shtml. All of the humor is more or less like this...in other words, my kind of humor when I'm looking at net comics. I love Choo-Choo Bear (the cat). Every now and then you see him sliding through grates in the background of comics and the like. He's so adorable. And they frequently use him as a weapon - he also swallows small dogs and annoying people. And in a previous comic, Davan was manipulating him into balloon animals in the park to scare small children.

Briefly, the story behind Choo-Choo is that Davan's friend Jhim took him in. He passed him to Aubrey, I believe, who gave him to Davan. Choo-Choo is an ancient cat who had various forms of cancer. He's healthy now, but as a result of the treatment, Choo-Choo Bear's skeleton is basically nonexistant, so he kind of oozes around. However, he's very happy with Davan.

But sometimes Something Positive does a crossover with Queen of Wands. They're in different cities, but Davan meets Kestral online (long story involving him putting her underwear on E-Bay), and eventually he decides to help her find a job and move out of her current house, which she shares with Shannon (her best friend) and Shannon's husband, Felix (Kestral's ex-boyfriend). They've been living together for a long time, but Shannon just had a baby and Kestral wants to move out on her own and give them space.

Well, that was a random post. Namaste!

I promise that I will not obsess this post...

And we'll see how that works out. Okay, so if Carley doesn't have her phone to text me this break, I may as well just go throw mine into a closet until school starts again. No, that probably wouldn't be wise. As much as I would like to wander over to her house and have a sit-in protesting it, no one would really care, would they? Haha...I'm just feeling like challenging the system at the moment - and I don't even know which system I want to challenge.

That's what happens when I'm in a good mood for too long, you see? I rebel...and I usually rebel by sitting on my ass and doing nothing, but wishing there was something for me to do. I'll be great in college: I'll always be the random person trying to organize rallies, but all her friends will always be like, "Um...yeah, no, don't care. Not at all. In fact, let's see if I can care even less...nope. I don't think it's at all possible. Sorry, but I just don't care that they don't serve that type of cereal every morning at breakfast. Not enough to have a sit-in in the cafeteria, anyway." Wow, just had a great mental image of that.

So I had inspiration to write this morning. Nothing in particular, but I just wanted to sit down and write. So then I open up one document...nope, nothing. Then the next...same thing. I went down all my unfinished works, and then just sort of gave up. So then I came on here. Woohoo. Aren't you so happy you have to listen to me when I'm kind of bored?

And why are you always "Away" when I need someone to talk to, Isabel? Of course I'm always "Offline" when you want to talk to me, but...

Okay, you know how I said that the part of my head that controls what I think versus what I say doesn't work so well at night? Well, it doesn't really work at all in chatrooms. I went back to the Barrow-Downs chat, since I've been slowly wandering back in there lately because Ancalagon and Aldarion are just awesome...and Gaya comes on and Bethberry sometimes...I still need to catch Ulmo to say "hi" to him. And Eponine is cool. But anyway, I've been wandering in there again lately and there are a lot of newbies...obvious newbies. And I just don't react well to them. I know I was a newbie there (three years ago, for the record...three years ago just last week, actually), but I was an annoying newbie, and people were mean to me then, so I figure I should just continue the chain. Kind of like how we now wish the Senior Writing Project on all of the underclassmen now. But I'm not mean to everyone. I just don't put up with the bullshit that some of the newbies spout...especially the ones that come into the room saying, "OMGOMGOGMOMGOGMOMGOGMGOMGO! ORLI IS LKIE SOOOOOOOOO HOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!" Haha, did I scare you Isabel with my awesome teeny impersonation? Years of practice, my friend. And then there are the ones that speak Grelvish...Grey-Company Wannabe Elvish, thinking that it's real...*shivers*. Okay, I'm a big dork and everyone just found that out if they didn't already know it. I'm one of those dorks that corrects people when they pronounce names wrong (such as Cirdan or Earendil)...in other words I'm really annoying when you mispronounce Tolkien's characters.

Well, I'm a-gonna go. Namaste.

Don't know what to say...

Doesn't it suck when you really want to type something - preferably something meaningful - but you can't think of anything at all? Well, hello, I'm typing to type. I think I might go watch the Easter Egg on RotK again...or listen to it anyway. Or not, because I'm just totally lazy at the moment. Maybe I'll go continue to catch up on "Something Positive". I think so. That doesn't really require getting up, and I can still have my phone on to talk to Carley.

Okay, then, I'll check back here to see if there are any comments a little later. Namaste.

I don't obsess!

Okay, yes I do on here. But that's because my daddy makes fun of me when I talk about that stuff in real life.

And I actually started doing my break homework! And I printed out all the copies of the Common App that I'll need for colleges and they're all filled in. I'm productive (no I'm not)!

Have you ever noticed what weird positions you get into when you're typing on the computer? Because I get into really odd positions...I guess 9 years of gymnastics would do that to you. That's the only reason that I wasn't a complete clutz when I was growing four inches a year: I had really good balance from gymnastics. I only quit when I got tall enough to reach the high bars standing up. It got a little ridiculous then. I can still do cartwheels, but I need to work my back and tummy muscles up a little more to relearn how to do back walkovers and the like. But part of me is really tempted to do that work. My legs and shoulders kept the muscles from horseback riding.

That's one of the few reasons that it sucks that I'm a girl: if I were a guy, I'd have awesome pectorals, but, as I'm a girl, I just have boobs. You can't see the muscles under there...you just see breasts. And any guy that wandered over here just got a stunned look on his face and closed the window. Who knows, maybe Carley and Isabel did too.

Anyway, yeah, away from various parts of my body so that we don't scare people...

And Carley: I actually think you might like the movies that I keep talking about (Igby, Dangerous Lives, etc.). And I actually really want to see Ocean's Twelve. If I had had my choice when we went to the movies the other day, I think I would've seen that over Life Aquatic. However, my "I don't really want to be shallow" side won over, since the only reason most girls see Ocean's Twelve (me included) is to see some of the more attractive Hollywood boys sharing a movie screen. That's like how my friends' heads nearly imploded in Troy: naked Brad Pitt and naked Orlando Bloom. Although I did not want to see Legolas naked - ever. I mean I know hobbits were naked in various parts of the books (thank you for not making us look at naked Elijah in the Orc Tower, PJ), but I don't think Legolas was ever naked. And I also don't like Orlando that much, so I really didn't care.

My problem with Troy is that I don't think that the girl who played Helen was pretty enough by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know who I'd want to play the role, but I didn't really like that girl. She was too much of a modern, plastic beauty in my opinion. Helen should have been more beautiful in a way that combined the old Greek standards with modern-day visions of "beauty".

Well, and then there was the whole "changed the story a bit" thing, but I could live with that because Brad Pitt was Achilles. And I absolutely love Sean Bean, so I was okay with him as Odysseus (or Ulysses if you prefer).

My, I do cover a variety of subjects here, don't I? I went from school to how I was sitting at the computer to movies to bitching about movies to men I love. All in a day's blogging.

So, as you can tell, I've been in a really good mood for a while now. I hope it lasts. It was a little tarnished, so to speak, when the guy that plows our driveway came early this morning. My bedroom's right over the garage, which means that it's typically not only the coldest room in the house, but also I hear everything that goes on in the driveway. Which means that I heard the rough scrape of plastic and metal against snow and pavement and obviously woke up (I usually sleep through more than that, actually, so it is odd that I woke up). My dad if I started singing something like "Here Comes Santa Claus", and I said, "Umm...no, I think I said a bad word." And by "a" I mean "many". I don't even remember what I called various people and things, but I can bet that, knowing me when I'm half asleep, it wasn't good. I tend to say all the sarcastic things I have on my mind when it's early. Which means that if you really, really want to know what I think about something, you should ask me when I'm half asleep. All of my inhibitors shut themselves off...which means it could be great fun for you, or you could get way more offended than you perhaps should.

Yeah, so I'm going to go catch up a little more on the web comic "Something Positive". Namaste.

On the first day of Christmas...

Okay, that's one thing that I don't remember at all: is the first day of Christmas 12 days before Christmas Day or on Christmas Day? Does it stretch back in December or ahead into January? Not that I'll really lose sleep over that thought, or anything...

So, my goal in life is achieved: Carley got the Extended Edition of Return of the King and saw my future husband - umm...I mean Dominic Monaghan...Freudian slip - in his portrayal of Hans Jensen. As of now, the start message on my phone is: 'When will you wear wigs?' - Dom and my banner is Dom's girl. Now some may say I need a life, I just say, "Hey, I skipped the teeny-bopper phase when I was thirteen, now can't I have it for a good actor who is just completely awesome?" And the answer is yes, everyone.

Yeah, my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, I said Dominic Monaghan. She said, "A Merry action figure, you mean?" and I said, "No...Dominic Monaghan. You can kidnap him: I'm sure he wouldn't mind." When she refused I asked for Johnny Depp or, if all else in the world failed, Orlando Bloom (hey, still fun to look at). Ended up getting none of the above. But, I did get a mini IPod, which makes up for some of it. And I got my annual Lord of the Rings 365 desk calendar for my desk and the wall calendar for - you guessed it! - my wall. And my mom found an awesome leather bookmark with pretty beads on it. In gold paint/leaf stuff on the frong it says "Rohan" and there's an image of a horse on it. I love it. I also got some great jewelry.

And then I saw The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. It's awesome: everyone should go out and see it right now when they read this. So leave! Leave! Come back and read the rest after you've seen the movie.

Have you seen the movie? Good. Continuing, as you can tell, I'm still in a good mood, which is amazing considering Christmas was yesterday. Usually all the Christmas movies put me in a really, really bad mood. But I didn't watch any of those - unless you consider Love Actually to be a Christmas movie, but it's really more that it happens to take place with Christmas as a backdrop. But Alan Rickman is sexy (which is really gross when I take time to think about it), so that's all okay. And I love Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister with the girl Natalie who's definitely supposed to be a (prettier) British version of Monica Lewinsky (see the outfit she wears at the end of the movie). The Portuguese girl is also great. My favorite part, though, is probably the really ugly kid, Colin, that goes to the U.S. to meet girls, since he says he'd be a sex god with his "cute British accent". Meanwhile, in the movie, he says, "I have a cute British accent", I totally go along with the stereotype and kind of sigh and say, "Yes you do" at the same time as his friend says, "No, Colin, you don't."

I've seen that movie way too many times. That and Igby Goes Down, which I saw again the other night. I think someone's going to check me into a mental ward if I watch that too many more times. I have to watch it at least once more, though, since my mom hasn't seen it yet! And I think some of my friends are thinking of committing me just based on my odd choice of my two main leading men at the moment: Dom and Kieran. All my friends are sighing over the grubbily sexy Viggo as Aragorn or the feminine, high cheekboned Orlando as Legolas (or as Will in Pirates of the Caribbean), and here I am liking a hobbit and a "furious boy" (Sookie!). But that's always the case: I always like the rebel. The main reason I like Dominic Monaghan is probably his role as a rock star on Lost. I'm such a pathetic sucker for visual and performing artists. I mean: Dom can obviously act, but he also plays a little guitar and sings. Kieran just has the kick-ass acting. Oh, but his characters are also funny as hell. My favorite Igby Goes Down dialogue sequence:
Igby: It's ironic that the first time in my life that I feel remotely affectionate for her, is when she's dead.
Oliver: You beat up her corpse.
Igby: I know, but after that.

Another great one:
Sookie: You call your mother "Mimi"?
Igby: Well, "Heinous One" is a big cumbersome...and Medea was taken.

Actually, I started loving Kieran just with his first line in that movie:
Igby: (*to a priest at his Catholic school when he's sitting in the office*) If heaven is such a wonderful place then how come being crucified is such a big fucking sacrifice?

Then there's always The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys:
Francis Doyle: (*about the rope tied to the statue of Saint Agatha that they're trying to steal*) Tie it off!
Tim Sullivan: Yeah, that's a great idea. You just hand on here while I go tie it off. Hey, could tie it to your dick if you want.

I started crying after what happens to Kieran in that movie (won't spoil it for those of you that haven't seen the movie). The scene with the dog also made me cry:
Tim Sullivan: Don't you ever tell me to get real. I know what fucking real is okay?

Okay, that's enough gushing for the moment. So what else is going on in my life? Well, I should really do the homework that I have, but, to be honest, I don't want to. So I'll start it tomorrow or sometime. Anyway, I was planning on watching the first part of the Return of the King DVD with my mom, as she hasn't seen it.

Oh, oh, and did you guys know that Brandon Flowers is from Utah?! Where did that come from? He sings with a British accent, for goodness sakes. And he's way too awesome to be American (and the songs by The Killers are also to good to be from this country). They were big over in the UK first, though, so their site is .uk. Which i guess explains why they're actually awesome. One thing I never got is why the bands from the U.S. always win Best Pop Song in the European Music Awards. Europop is much better than American pop. Europe does basically all their music better than we do ours.

Coming this January they're going to have I Love the '90's Deux...which means Rachel is very happy. It means that I'll get to see my boys - Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black - with new commentary. They're the real reason I watch those shows. Oh, and the ones where Dom is on, obviously ("I mean, there's not much to a sheep. All they do is say 'baa' and wear wooly sweaters" - Dom on how he didn't think cloning Dolly was so impressive). I was actually watching some old episodes of I Love the '80's last night, and feeling like a dork because I knew about everything they were talking about.

Want to really feel like a dork? Watch "The Ultimate Film Fanatic" on IFC and get most of the answers right. Although there was a Tarantino category, which means I was obviously going to rock at least one category. I got all those questions right *blushes*. But I also got the cartoon villains and one other pretty close to being all right (in other words, all three categories they had). But it was slightly embarrassing that I knew the answer to, "Which actor played Elvis in the movie 'True Romance'?" My dad got that right too, so it was okay (Val Kilmer, one of my least favorite actors).

The other night I started yelling at Jeopardy because they made a question incorrectly. They said "This was Tolkien's version of goblins" and the answer was "What is Orcs?" I started yelling, "But there are goblins! Goblins are wholly different monsters in Tolkien's world!" Then my dad wondered if now was the perfect time to have me committed. Heehee...I get upset when people mess up Tolkien - especially Jeopardy, they should research better.

That's like how the one way in which I'm obnoxious about corrections is when I correct how people pronounce Elvish names in Tolkien. I get rather annoying about that. Then, of course, there is when Erin and I go into a Tolkien language discussion and make everyone else wish we'd just leave.

The other day I was looking at a Portuguese Tolkien Site (the Barrow-Downs has it listed as Spanish...I wrote an e-mail correcting them, but I think they didn't listen), and was reading about Elvish in Portuguese. It's amazing how easy it is to read Portuguese if you know Spanish. I actually understood the whole site.

Well, that's really all that's going on in my life at the moment. Namaste.

Random addition...

So, apparently I smell really good. That's because I went to an Indian restaurant with my friends for lunch to celebrate a friend's birthday. So, I smell a bit like the Indian restaurant...which smelled really good. I was making my mom hungry for Indian food when I was driving home.

And I'm waiting for permission from someone, but I am planning on putting up a link in one of these posts to the transcript of the Hans Jensen and Elijah Wood interview for all of you that won't be able to get your hands on RotK: EE for whatever reason. Then I'll have a general quote-apalooza.

Wow...my dad brought home Godiva Dark Chocolate Truffle hot chocolate mix. I haven't really been in a chocolate mood lately, but this is ridiculously good hot chocolate. Again, namaste.

Still in a good mood...

Yes, I'm still in an amazingly awesome mood. Isn't that great? I enjoy my good moods greatly. Although I think that some of my friends prefer me when I'm kind of down for whatever reason. I tend to be a little overbearing when I'm in a good mood. It's more just with people I don't know. They get frightened of me, since I'm actually happy and talkative rather than depressed and quiet. That's really the only time I'm always quiet: when I'm sad. Which makes well for when people need to talk about things with me. I can still listen quite well when I'm happy, but I tend to actually butt in with my own thoughts and all.

So, after giving so much playtime to Dom yesterday (yes, I have changed my phone banner to "Dom's Lass"...although after seeing the "Easter Egg" on Return of the King for the billionth time, I may just change it to "Hans Jensen's Lass"), I decided that I neglected my other honey of the moment: Kieran Culkin. I saw Igby Goes Down for like the billionth time last night. When I first saw that movie (and coincidentally The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys on the same night), I said out loud (which I now regret, for it was in front of my dad), "Gee, when did Kieran get hot?" And he's never let me forget that I said that. Which is why I never tell him anything about who I like anymore...

But people who haven't seen the Extended Version of RotK: I'm not talking to you until you have seen it or at least agree to see it at some point. It's so much more brilliant than the theatrical version. And, okay, nothing scares me in the theaters, or so I thought. However, the Mouth of Sauron scares the shit out of me. He's one of the creepiest characters I've ever seen...and those teeth!

I saw the end of the Cast Commentary today. You know what? Orlando Bloom made me laugh. I never thought I'd live to see the day when I was laughing with him and not at him. Although, my favorite part was still the anecdote at the end when Sam and Rosie get married:

*SPOILER: for those of you that want this to be a surprise, don't read until I tell you in caps that you can*
My favorite part of the cast commentary was when Sean Astin was saying, "Yeah, you know, that was the first on-camera kiss that my wife didn't get upset about." And mind you, this is a rough quoting:
Elijah: Yeah, it was really pure and sweet.
Sean: Yeah...if only Billy and Viggo hadn't been trying to "show me how to do it" off on the side.
(At which point, I go, "Hrm?" and sit up a little straighter)
Billy: Viggo and I went to the set to watch them taping this, and you know, we were going "Aaaaaw" at them. Then, suddenly, Viggo grabs and kisses me...full mouth...with tongue.

I definitely started crying, I was laughing so hard at the mental image of that. And you know why it was especially funny? This picture: http://www.marysia.com/personal/graphics/famous/lotr21.jpg

(*SPOILER IS NOW OVER*)

But you can all go to the above link just to see the picture. I sometimes wonder what those boys are on...and how I can get my hands on some. And yes, that is Dom and Viggo...I think I am permanently scarred by that picture. It seems that they just have to kiss each other all the time: if you search under any of their names with "kissing" in the search field on google, you find a whole bunch of pictures of them kissing each other on the cheek, mouth, I don't wan tto know where else...there was also one of Dom kissing Orlando on the mouth - Orlando looks very confused.

If you couldn't tell, those boys make me very, very happy. As do Elijah's "big, blue eyes...big...blue..." (quote from Hans Jensen/Dominic Monaghan). Okay, on that happy note, namaste!

I hereby order you...

all to read Something Positive (I gave the link but I'll give it again: http://www.somethingpositive.net). I really didn't know what i was missing. This stuff is hilarious. Especially check the one in late January, 2002 with Aubrey and coffee...that just made my life.

More happiness!

More happy posting! Wee! I just like posting when I'm happy. I write depressing, shitty poems and stories when I'm depressed, and I should post on here when I'm happy!

Okay, I'll stop with the exclamation points.

And Carley, stop biting your lip, damn it! Every time I talk to you, you're bleeding. *Random giggle*

Oh, so I started watching the Cast Commentaries for RotK. I have decided that I should marry Dominic Monaghan. He's so awesome. (Random teeny-bopper moment about to start) I love him so much. And I can't wait to see the movie he and Billy are supposedly writing!

And...and...and...he's pretty. Lol. I'm so immature sometimes (*coughallthetimecough*). It's really fun doing it sometimes (*coughallthetimecough*). Heehee...

Anyway, namaste again!

Random burst of sunshowers...

Yup. That basically describes how I feel. I'm randomly very, very happy and I thought I'd share it with you. And no, I didn't get an e-mail asking me to fly to Washington to marry someone - actually if that were the case I'd probably be pretty damn confused and depressed. I don't even know why I'm so happy, I just am. I think it was a realization I came to: I'm seventeen, I'm single, and I really don't want to be in a relationship. That's one of the best places someone can be, I think.

I know that at this moment I should be sympathizing, but I really can't help feeling happy myself. And I don't normally feel this happy. Suddenly, everything I don't want to do today sounds like it might be fun. And I get to go have lunch with my friends tomorrow! Lately, even hanging out with my friends has sounded like a chore to me, but it suddenly sounds exciting again. And I love my friends so much. We're going to an Indian restaurant to celebrate a birthday. Isn't that so happy?

And I'm in a really giggly mood too. I don't think any of you have seen me in my giggly moods. They usually do come right after I come out of a really foul mood. I just have fun with life again. During my good moods I just feel...free. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you fly in your dreams. When you soar in the sky, the wind only mildly brushing your skin, because in a dream, even when you go quickly, the air is so gentle. Well, it's that same feeling you get in your stomach, and how you just smile and you don't know why. That's what I'm like now. And who knows, it may only last an hour, but I don't care.

So, yeah, I just thought I'd share this ridiculously good mood with all of you.

Awww...my cat's so adorable. She's sleeping on the couch. I think I'll go and give her a biiiiiiiiiig hug because I'm in that kind of giggly mood. Heehee...namaste.

Something Positive...

Yeah, no, not talking about something positive in my life. "Damn it" you all say. Well, it is kind of positive. I just started reading the web comic Something Positive (thanks to Erin mentioning it for the past year or so)...there's an episode where they talk about the Venus of Willendorf! And if you don't know what that is, take Art History! Or Google it...

I recommend you all start reading Something Positive (http://www.somethingpositive.net) and Queen of Wands (http://queenofwands.net). I've read QoW for a while...but, as I said, just started SP (tonight, actually). So yes, start now.

And no, no word from Phil yet. And yes, I just told you his name. I'm thinking he moved on so I should therefore do so too...and as usual, I don't really care.

'Tis the season...

...to whine about hearing Christmas carols everywhere. I hate them...hate them, hate them, hate them...but like them too. It's really weird. And it's also the season for me to spend all my money then have my parents wonder why I have no money at the beginning of next year.

So, It finally sent me It's holiday gift. And for those that don't know (all of you, really), It refers to the person that gave birth to my mother. We all refer to It as It in my house. It disowned my mother when I was five, but then decided far too late to try to suck up to me by giving me really horrendous gifts every year. Then I send a cordial "thank you" card...after being tempted to just "Return to Sender...Bitch". This year I might actually call her Ms. (Last Name) in the letter. I really just can't stand what she did to my mother. And you know what, I miss having a grandmother sometimes, but it's her loss she doesn't know me. I mean what mother disowns her child because the child asked her to apologize for being a bad mother (which she was, let me tell you). It's just so ridiculous. And yes, it sounds conceited that I said "her loss that she doesn't know me", but you know what, if she really wants to know me, tough. I really have nothing to say to her. She robbed my mother of a mother of her own and me of a grandmother, and she expects us to just forget? Hell, no. I joke about it with my parents, because my mom gets a headache if we talk about her any other way, but she really upsets me. I just want to send her a letter saying, "Get the hell out of my life. You missed your shot ten years ago: where were you then?" Then add in another "bitch" just for good measure.

Nothing against my mother's other relatives, even though all of them except for my uncle and his kids refuse to speak to my family. It's because my mom and dad didn't go to one wedding because I wasn't invited when I was like four. It's so fucking ridiculous. As I'm getting older, I realize just how messed up my extended family - especially on her side - is. I want to see my cousins and second cousins and great uncles and I want to have a real family, but not that family. They all hate each other so much it's just wrong.

My dad's side doesn't hate each other, but we never see them. Okay, no, I see my uncle and aunt on his side, and I love them - far more than any of the other relatives - but that's because I actually know them. I see them every year, which is more than I can say for any other family member.

All my friends talk about going to the houses of their uncles and grandparents and stuff, and wonder why I just stay at home with my parents. Well, where do we have to go really? There isn't any family we like except for my uncle, and they usually do their own thing with their kids that day. I really want to have Christmas with family or New Years or something. I don't want to just stay home and do nothing. Especially this New Year: I really want to do something - anything - other than sitting on my ass at home and watching crappy New Years' shows. I'd even settle for going to a friend's house and doing that.

Sorry, I'm in a really weird mood. I went over to Moira's yesterday and watched all three extended editions of LotR. It was a lot of fun, but part of me is kind of pissed that a whole day of my life is gone. It's never coming back, no matter what I do. And I felt like complete crap this morning, which is my fault really. I had way too much caffeine yesterday and I just hit a low this morning. Which means that I say and do really stupid things and just don't give a rat's ass about anything at all. And then I come home and have to deal with Its card about how It cares...bullshit. It was such a lame attempt at being friendly. And then I got kind of lonely, wishing that I did have a closer relationship with my family. Which brings me to where I am now.

Shit, and then I start crying again. This really has to stop. I'm crying all the time now, and I have no clue why. I'm happy, but no one believes me. Okay, no, happy's a little strong - I'm content. I'm okay with my life now, but I just feel like there's something missing, and it's driving me crazy that I don't know what. And I feel guilty for feeling this way, because there are people dealing with far worse things in their life and are handling it so much better than I'm handling this stupid shit. And you know, I don't swear a lot, I really don't. I'm just feeling so horrible at the moment. And I realized I have so much fucking work to do over break and I haven't started any of it.

Okay, me bitching isn't helping any of you. I'll just stop now. Namaste.

Winter Break!

Yay! You know I've been in school too long when I start yelling at the programs my mom watches on the History Channel.

Now, here's a question for you: how in the hell can they choose Kelly on The Apprentice over Jennifer? I mean I would have liked a girl to win anyway, but in the long run, I want the best to win. Kelly's just so...blah. I mean yes, he went to West Point, so he has the military training, and that's very attractive to a lot of people, but Jennifer went to Princeton and Harvard Law. Even George thought that Jennifer would be the best to make a CEO. Sure, as he said again, she's abrasive, but she really got the job done and didn't take crap from anyone. She got a team of three people that hated her at the end to respect her and work for her. Meanwhile, Kelly's team was having races across the polo field, not respecting him at all and actually screwing everything up. Even Donald Trump ("The Donald") said that he questioned Kelly's ability to lead. Meanwhile, Jennifer already seemed to be able to be a really good leader.

Until he got kicked off, I was definitely behind Andy, though. He had just finished up at Harvard and was just absolutely adorable. He was the youngest, at 22. Anyway, it's over...and next season looks kind of - um - okay, no nice way to say this - so it looks horrible, to be honest.

Then, as always on Sunday, the new episode of Huff is on tonight. I hope that Byrd and Gail get back together: I really love Gail. She's so gorgeous and a lot cooler than I initially thought seeing her character. She played the break-up really well last week - I felt so sorry for her (and obviously for Byrd). The actress' name, Misti Traya, really suits her I think. Last week's episode was great in general. I love Teddy too. The actor actually looks a lot like John Cusack, in my opinion.

Well, that's really all I have to say at the moment. See you all around. Namaste.

Yale decision...

I was deferred. Which basically means I'll be a mess until April. Actually, you know, I'll probably get over it by then. However, for the next week, if you see me crying at random times, that's why. Then it'll start again in April...nice cycle.

So Carley was, as I promised, the first I notified. I text messaged her. Then I called Moira. Poor Moira, I love her so much. I called her hoping that I could get through it calmly, then just completely broke down. But she was there and she actually made me laugh. Yay. Then I continued text-ing Carley, who also managed to make me laugh and smile. Then I left a message on Jake's phone without actually crying! Okay, yeah, the reason I cut it off short at the end was because I was about to, but I kind of made it. Don't look at me like that, Isabel.

And you see: you're actually on while I'm typing this Isabel! We do sometimes talk on MSN.

Well, I don't have much else to say. Namaste.

And then there were two...

Two days of school until I find out. In 48 hours, I'll know. And my offer to drive you home still stands Jake, if you're weren't scared off by my driving today.

So, The Return of the King Extended Version DVD came in the mail today. Which means that I got the awesome statue of Minas Tirith as well. It's a box-statue, and the inside of the box has the White Tree of Gondor. I was so happy...and then I had to pay my dad back for it, which means people will not be getting many - if any - presents this year. Unless I make the trek to the bank and take it out of my savings...which I just may do, come to think of it. However, I think I'm just going to pull the "buy for my parents and Moira" that I did last year. When it ends up that I'm spending like $300 dollars on gifts, my pockets tend to get a wee bit empty. Everyone will be receiving candy grams at my school and maybe cute little hand-made notes or something, though.

So my parents are out tonight. I'm such a loser: most kids throw wild parties with orgies and other unnecessary merriment such as that...I usually read, watch TV, write, etc. It's great to write when my parents are out, because I'm one of those people that hate when people even accidentally look over her shoulder when she's writing. It will also mean that I'll have my cell on all night after I have it charged (until they get back), and I just may call you, so beware everyone.

Hmm...looks like my mom left her water bottle by my computer. And that is what one would call Random Observation Number One from Rachel. Actually, I'm planning on staying online until about 7 (sorry, Isabel, no chatting tonight, I guess). Then I'll warm up my Chinese take-out, eat it, and take things from there. Honestly a night of watching TV would be quite welcome. I happened to not have an incredible amount of homework so I did that. I also practiced my pretty Debussy piece already - I love it, it's so nice.

So, my fun-filled night without my parents consists of hanging out in my underwear and a t-shirt, watching TV, updating my blog, and seeing how my friend did on her early acceptance to the college that I will not name for fear of jinxing it (Jake and Carley know who and what I mean...and Isabel can find out tomorrow).

My computer's updating something...don't know what it's doing, really. I'm just trying to keep talking on here until it finishes what it has to do. And I just tried to MSN you, Isabel, since you're online, but busy. Whether you're really busy or not remains to be seen.

Now you know what's disconcerting? Having your dad MSN you from upstairs. It's kind of like text messaging with the person next to you. It's fun, mind you, never said it wasn't - do it sometimes with you, Carley, and it's oodles of good times ("That was you???!!!") - but it's kind of weird when he could stand in his door and shout instead.

Umm...well, maybe I'll go check on the other blogs why my machine continues to update. It's 56% done apparently. Namaste.

A thought...

The girl walks her solitary path. She wears a blood red gown, a symbol of her passion, though the gown is invisible to all but those that know her. All others see a simple gown of blue or green. She does not always walk alone: often others come and touch her dress, leaving their mark on her mind and passion. She will never forget them. Even the cruelest, the most heartless and violent, she remembers them with an odd love. She should forget them, leave them, but it is always they that leave her. She does not know whey she can't take the words "good-bye" when they come out of her own mouth. They don't sound so atrocious from the others, and she never cries when she finds herself once again alone. For she knows that if those words did not come, she would never break the bond, and they would be together always. Sometimes she wonders if this would be good, but then another comes, more benevolent or vile than the rest. Each extreme touches, her, teaches her, guides her, and she would never do without either. In an never-ending pattern she drifts, her feet her guide and her mind her companion. Her soul remembers past pain and joy, but all she knows now is what is. More often than not, no one walks at her side, but it might be better that way.

The girl knows she's coming to a fork in the road. Which should she take? She knows where the paths immediately go, but she cannot see what will come in the end. All those who hear of the roads misinterpret them, think that the options she contemplates are of a far different nature. For who would guess where her road - her own road - will go? Only she that creates it of dust and tears knows what she has wrought. What draws her on? The hope that one day someone will not say "good-bye" and that she will not be alone. And if she does not find that? Well, there is always another heart, another road, another life. Sometimes a soul is meant to be alone.

The fork is within her sight now, and she tries to press forward more quickly, but that only tires her out more quickly. She stops to rest, and it feels as though the fork recedes, though it is only about a hundred feet away now. When she reaches the fork, she looks at the signs. Misleading, but they reveal the riddle to her. Then a dust storm blows, obscuring the far ends of the paths. Which way should she take? There is always a right and a wrong path, one would think. But in this case, the paths are clearly unmarked with a moral value. It is completely up to her to decide. She sits at the crossroads, contemplating her next move.

I am she that sits at the crossroads, and I shall be here until the dust clears and I can determine which path is mine to take.

_________________________________________

God damn it, I hate when my mind comes up with stupid extended metaphors for an aspect life. I figured I'd put it down because then maybe it will leave me alone.

Ramblings...

But do I ever really write anything else? No, not really.

Oh, Jake, Carley, anyone out there besides Isabel, who always says what's on her mind anyway (kind of like how I do; no wonder we get along so well, even though we don't really know each other except for through the Internet), feel free to comment on my life at any point. That sounds really odd, but you know, positive feedback on how I should run my life is always welcome.

So, new episode of Huff was on last night. I should probably watch Desperate Housewives to keep up with everyone else, but I've never seen it, and I absolutely love Huff (Hank Azaria is awesome). Gail (the senior Byrd was seeing) broke up with him. It was so sad: Byrd's such an awesome kid...so is Anton Yelchin, the kid that plays him. I love the line though where Gail said, "My dad says you're statutory raping me" and Byrd says, "How's that possible? You're seventeen and I'm fourteen!" I absolutely love Gail's Jesus fish tongue ring. Yeah, totally have a crush on Anton Yelchin...if he's anything like his character.

Okay, now that I had my little teeny-bopper crush fit there (now no one mention Kieran Culkin, or we'll be here for a while), on to life. Oh wait, I have none until after this Thursday. Never mind.

I was considering playing the fun game called, "Let's read Rachel's favorite movie quotes", but that seemed rather lame, so I opted out.

My dad got a message that my copy of Return of the King extended edition DVD got shipped. I'll get it before Winter Break. I hope Alyssa's still offering up her big-screen TV for a Lord of the Rings marathon (and yes, I'll force Carley and Jake to go). If not, then large party at Laura's (again...I think we're still on for Angels in America at her house on the first Monday of break - another thing you're both coming to).

Speaking of Laura, she finds out from Harvard tomorrow. I told her to call me if it's good news, and I assumed she wouldn't want to call me if it isn't. I'm worried because so many people are getting in early, and, as Laura said today, "Chances are, law of averages will come and bite me on the ass." Same with me and my choice. And look at who I'm competing against. Although they are all Math/Science and I'm Anything Creative/History/Pol. Sci./International Studies.

Aw...my kitty's so cute. She just gave a big yawn. At the moment, she's hogging my piano bench. I love her so much. I really do wish I could bring her to college with me (yeah, right, that would be a brilliant idea). Actually, I wish I could bring a pet or a friend to college (same thing, really) with me. Just stick the pet in its carrier or the friend in my suitcase, and then I'm all set.

And now she's yelling at me. Apparently she wants more food, but is too lazy to go upstairs to get it. I repeat what I said to her aloud, "Tough. You're fat." She isn't really fat...just...healthy. She's got really pretty eyes, though...and she's fluffy and warm and good to use as a pillow when I'm on the couch sometimes.

My cat's a good topic. I could talk about her forever. I got her when I was seven from a local shelter. We wanted to take her brother too, but since we have a dog, we figured it wouldn't be fair to him to have both of them ganging up on him. Now, he's a lab, so he's a pretty big dog (he's about 90 lbs.), but if you've seen a cat when they feel like bothering someone...they're pretty effective by themselves. So we ended up getting just Pounce. Although it would have been nice to have gotten her brother, it is really better we got just her. She enjoys being High Queen of the house, and I don't think she'd appreciate competition.

I love my dog too, of course. We got him when I was three. His name's Zeke, and he comes from some line of show champions. He could never be a show dog, though: firstly he's missing some teeth near the back, secondly he's way to chauvenistic. When we first got him, my parents would try to have him sleep in their bed. He never wanted to, though. And whenever you'd get on the floor with him as a puppy, he'd bite your face. He's sweet now, but not cuddly. My cat is actually far more personable than my dog.

My cat just had me open the window. She sat in it for three seconds, then jumped back onto the piano and gave me another accusing look. Then, when I finally gave her my attention, she left.

Well, that was a happy entry. I'm trying to have more of those, since this is, after all, a "Garden in the Clouds" - I should come here to remind myself to be happy, not stressed. Namaste.

EDIT: "Isabel said...
Hmm... well all I can really say is that I think I understand, I just am... really really really bad at formulating things, so I think I'll leave it at, I'm here. ;) Really though, all your entry is so familiar to me, it's like I thought something and then look, poof, someone wrote it down.Sorry I haven't been around lately though, I have so many blogs that writing in any one regularly is difficult - though I don't think I've quite left behind any of my other ones this much, will make an effort to post soon. And go on MSN more. And all that good stuff. :P"

Thanks, sweetie. I'm on as much as I can be lately. And I check out your blog when I can. I think we just miss each other on MSN, though. I'm usually on in the early evenings over here. You're probably on more at night. At night...well, I'm usually asleep, if possible. If not, I'm doing homework or watching TV. When my dad wants to get me to bed at night, he turns on Fox News Network or football or basketball or something. I leave very quickly then...or he turns on a Val Kilmer movie. And I reiterate to anyone else that may be watching: go to Isabel's blog at http://irunwithscissors.blogspot.com. Fun for the whole family...

Friday!

Yay! Although I don't really have a weekend. I'm going to the Cloisters with an Art History trip tomorrow, then having lunch in the city with my AP Spanish V class, then going to see a play with them on the East Side. Then Sunday I have to sing Christmas carols. I hate Christmas carols, and yet like them at the same time. It's really odd.

Tonight is a Poetry/Coffeehouse type of thing at my school. I'm going to a piano lesson, then coming back with food and staying through until it starts. I'll probably be the only one here, but that's awesome. The school is great at night when it's empty. I love being alone when a building is empty. It's so quiet and I can go wherever I want.

Ooo...a week from yesterday, and we all know what I mean. And if you don't, where have you been in my life.

And I decided that I will e-mail my old homeless friend...probably not homeless anymore (I hope he isn't still crashing in his friend's basement). I'll let you know how it goes! Yeah, so not over him...I'm so pathetic. I keep trying to act like I don't want a boyfriend, but I really do. Washington State, Jesus Christ, I'm so pathetic. Could I pick a farther place in the country? Well, at least this one's in the U.S.

"How did we get here...

...how the hell? Pan left. Close on the steeple of the church."

Sorry, quoting Rent is kind of like quoting Igby Goes Down. It just has to be done every now and again. Now, to quote my Igby, "Good things come to obsessive-compulsives who fixate." Awesome movie, but I really have to stop watching it every time I'm home and it's on.

Anyway, there was a point to that quote. And now I've forgotten it. No, no I haven't. I think I was more referring to the fact that I originally created this blog to be something to check on every time I wanted to feel happy - not every time I wanted to bitch to the world. Heaven knows I bitch enough to last a lifetime. I really try not to whine, but sometimes it just comes out.

So, last night was difficult for me, as you saw in my entry. It just got worse and worse, to be honest. I hate crying in front of people, especially my parents, and luckily I didn't do that. I waited until I went to bed. But then I had a headache and couldn't fall asleep. And then here I am whining again. I'll stop, I promise.

Today, well, today was interesting. I walked out of my math test thinking that I did okay, but then I almost started crying, and I have no clue why. Maybe because I totally bombed the last test I thought I did well on. Then I had my Spanish test, which was awesome...in a not really fun, time-draining way, but awesome nonetheless.

Okay, you know what it is, I've decided? I'm lonely. And I have no clue why. I just feel like I need someone, anyone. Not even like a boyfriend or a girlfriend or something, but I feel like I'm not close to anyone. And what's even weirder is that I typically hate getting close to people, but I just feel like I have to now. I mean even my friends that have known me since I was seven don't really know what's going on in my head. I just want a friend.

I was thinking about it last night, and you know the voices in your head? I don't mean the ones that come from the neighbor's dog telling you to kill your friends, but I mean the "voices" that really seem to be extraneous thoughts floating around that happen to give good or bad advice. Well, a bunch of them always come when I'm crying and some are complete jackasses, but there's one that always comes when I'm upset or angry or stressed that I really love. All it says is "I'm here." And you know, that's all I really want. I don't care about all of the sympathetic "Poor Rachel"'s in the world. They don't mean anything to me. All I really need, as I said, is someone. If someone were just there to say "I'm here" then things would be so much better. I hate when people pity me...and when they try to give me advice. That's almost worse. I just want to be when I'm feeling depressed. That's why I usually just stay with my friends when they cry and don't try to be Miss Psychiatrist: because I know that's what I would want if I were crying.

I only actually broke down in school once this year, though. It was one of the weeks where my parents were yelling at each other a lot, and it showed that I wasn't into the piece I was doing for art, so obviously it got panned. I just couldn't take it anymore and I completely broke down. I hated doing it so much. When I was in seventh grade, I swore I'd never let people in school see me cry (they were really mean to me back then). This is actually the first time I can remember breaking that vow. Which really bites in a sense.

It's interesting how it's always easier to tell people the truth when you don't know them. I mean I have no clue who reads this, and I don't really care. However, I do know that they'll probably know what I mean, and since they don't know me, they won't judge me based on it. They'll probably say I should get help, and then I'll tell them to go fuck themself, since I'm fine, but...yeah. I've been thinking that about a lot of people recently.

Well, I might post again later tonight, but I should try to get some work done. Namaste.

I'm back...

You know, when I was about eight, my mom read me The Lord of the Rings. I spent a good two or so years praying to I didn't know who just to take me to Middle Earth. There's really no attachment to the world I live in. People are just so self-involved and ignorant. I suppose I can be very self-involved too, but...I don't know.

Sorry, I just turned on The Return of the King and I suddenly remembered that strong feeling I have. I tried it again just two years ago really, when I read The Silmarillion. However, that time I was asking for Manwë to come. I guess I never really grew out of playing pretend. I never was told I had to. Anyway, even when life is sheltered, it's never completely free from...I don't know what.

I was remembering this kid that I met over the summer. He kind of tried to attack me, but another friend of mine was there, so nothing awful happened. You know, this is the first place I've ever really written about it. This friend, actually, was a girl he knew from back home. She apparently had some sort of crush on me, and I all I could think of was that I should have gone with her instead of him. He was cute, but a real dickhead. And you know, I'm so stupid: I know better than to get involved with athletes. He was the soccer/wrestling type. Nothing personal against athletes, but I never get along well with them. Give a guy a guitar, a piano, a singing voice, artistic talent, or acting skills and have him ask me out, and I'm all his. The only guys I've ever dated have been in bands or played instruments or something. I mean, yeah, look at how dysfunctional it's been, but at least we were always happy. With athletes it's just so difficult, because we have nothing in common.

No, that's not true. I once was with an athlete. He had like an eight-pack. It was weird but really attractive at the same time. But he was also a guitarist and piano player. Then...yes, then there was the kid I've mentioned before: my friend that I haven't really heard from since he got out of rehab. It was summer before last that I knew him, but I don't think I ever got over him, which is completely stupid, because I shouldn't care. He wasn't an athlete, but he was just so...: well, look at it this way. The first time we hung out together, we went to my friend's house and he played improvisational jazz on the piano for a good hour while we just talked.

He's another one that I never told anyone about. I guess I kind of want to keep him to myself, hence why I'm not even telling his first name. I mean, I'm sure he's moved on, gone to college (oh, please, if there is a God or something, let him have gone to college), and gotten another girlfriend. However, when he's in a famous rock band, I can say I was with him.

Wow, I'm suddenly going through all the rock musicians I've been involved with. I need to stop doing that. And I seem to have a talent for picking bisexuals to go out with. I guess I just feel safe with them for some reason.

Yeah, so you're probably all saying, "Gee...thanks for the meaningless information, Rach. What do we do with that?"

I don't know. I'm kind of determined to have a boyfriend that might last for some period of time by the end of the year. However, in this school, no chance in hell of it happening. And I'm going to be going off to college (watch me wince as I say that) at the end of the year.

I was thinking about it the other day. I always talk about how I'm going to major in International Relations or International Studies or something and be a diplomat or ambassador or something, since our current ones seem to be fucking everything up. But I really can't see myself not acting. I know I only do school productions now, but I fall apart when I'm not doing one. The only time I'm really happy is when I'm up on stage.

Which just made me start to cry. How do I always do that to myself? I really need - you know, I don't even know what I need anymore. I think I just need winter break to be here. Then I'll relax and everything will be nice...at least until midterms. I can't even think about that now, though.

Okay, now that I've pulled myself back together...happy thoughts. Isn't the scene where the beacons are lit in Return of the King just awesome? I love Merry...and Dominic Monaghan. There's this feature on the DVD apparently that just sounds great where he tricks Elijah into thinking he's a German reporter (it's a satellite interview) and asks him all these embarrassing questions and Elijah struggles to answer them.

Umm...well, I suppose I'll end on a cheery note of sorts. Namaste.

Only a week...

...and a day until I know whether I'm in college or not! And, now that Carley will hopefully be keeping tabs on my life (welcome to my head), I hope she'll have last period free next Thursday. I already have Jake joining me for moral support, since he probably won't have anything then, but I can always use another person there. Any way it happens - whether I get in, get rejected, or get deferred - I'm probably going to be a wreck.

Oh, so it's been a while since I got depressed. Well, it hasn't been that long, but it's been long enough for me to get optimistic. I'm probably way too busy to sit around on my own and think about depressing shit. But, sadly, when I'm not bummed out about one thing or another, then I can't write at all. I hate how you have to be miserable to write anything that's halfway decent. I mean obviously no one wants to hear a happy story about some kid that has a perfect life, but I wish that I could write a story without having to hate everything.

And I've been thinking about giving all my friends the URL to this blog. I'd have to go back and filter it, probably, but maybe when I have free time. That will probably amount to being over break, in other words.

There's this odd story that keeps running through my head and I don't know where it came from...and I really don't know where it's going. I guess I just have to kind of let it play out on its own. Does that ever happen to you? It's weird when it happens. I think I'll start writing them down. It's kind of like my mind gives me a metaphor for my life in short story form. And it always cuts off at a certain point. Eventually it finishes, and the ending is kind of anticlimactic sometimes, but...it's really interesting.

You know, I was thinking about religion the other day. Yes, it's still me, Rachel. You may not believe this, but I'm actually a very religious person. I may not really be part of an established religion, but my faith in what I do believe is really strong. Anyway, I've always tried to figure out whether I believe that there is a God and was a Jesus or not. Ultimately, I've never really believed in God as a...God...but more as an unnamed, shapeless entity or something. But then when I got to Jesus, I couldn't make up my mind. I obviously don't buy the "he was the direct son of God" thing, but recently my impression of him has become much more defined. I've always been mostly a spiritist...or spiritualist if you prefer. I believe in otherworldly powers and the like, because how else can I explain a lot of what I've seen in my life? Some people are special too - I mean that much is obvious. I think that Jesus was just "special" in the way that I mean...and no, not in the "my mommy says I'm special" way...although that works too, maybe. He was talented and he had a gift of sorts, as others do, and maybe his talent was a little more obvious than in most other people, but he was not the son of God. That is unless you pull the whole "We're all children of God" thing...I hate that phrase.

Well, the bell rang. I have to get to class. Namaste.